3+ hour, 37+ min ago  (291+ words) AKRON, OH'Replying to a sparse text thread that had been only marginally active over the past few years, the nation's friends from college announced Thursday that they would need someone to lean on during their divorce. "We know that we…...

8+ hour, 37+ min ago  (180+ words) Thursday, February 19, 2026 "Looksmaxxing," a new trend that can involve jaw exercises, steroid use, and extreme cosmetic procedures, has taken off among many boys and young men. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding looksmaxxing." MYTH: Regularly exercising your jaw muscles can…...

4+ mon, 2+ week ago  (268+ words) Friday, October 3, 2025 Judgment cloudy with a high chance of regret My dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of this man and this woman'and this empty wallet and this wiped-out checking account'in the bonds of holy…...

5+ mon, 4+ week ago  (103+ words) Foregoing any flowery language about reigniting the passion in your marriage, we're just going to come out and say this secluded vacation rental is perfect for fucking in. Loudly! Reference #90210 The post We Want You To Fuck Here appeared first…...

6+ mon, 1+ week ago  (216+ words) CHARLESTON, SC'In what was originally intended as a "low-key girls weekend," four of bride-to-be Julia Rose Atkinson's closest friends were financially ruined this week after her bachelorette party completely bankrupted her fave girlies. "The weekend turned out a bit more…...

6+ mon, 2+ week ago  (284+ words) TRAVERSE CITY, MI'Raising their eyebrows at the bride's assertion that she was "adventurous," wedding guests of Tatiana Hines and Felix Byrne confirmed Friday that the couple's vows were a damning chronicle of how much she had changed herself for him....

7+ mon, 1+ week ago  (57+ words) Become a Member. Get the Paper. Monday, July 7, 2025 Sorry, some heat indexes you just want to keep for yourself Free Your Wallet. Shop The Onion Store. (June 21 to July 22): While they can't guarantee things will turn around for you, the…...

7+ mon, 3+ week ago  (46+ words) Wednesday, June 25, 2025 It's a great day for baseball Free Your Wallet. Shop The Onion Store. (June 21 to July 22): While they can't guarantee things will turn around for you, the stars do offer galaxy credit on any horoscopes returned within 30 days....

8+ mon, 1+ week ago  (528+ words) NEW BEDFORD, MA'Wishing he had seen more of life before taking on such a big commitment, local sailor Marcus Haines told reporters Tuesday that he regretted getting married to the sea so young.I was so captivated by those big…...

9+ mon, 6+ day ago  (660+ words) SANTA CLARA, CA'Following a long rough patch that had led them to consider ending their adulterous relationship, local married man Greg Whitfeld, 47, and his lover Arden Sullivan, 28, confided to reporters Monday that their affair had been saved by having a…...